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updated:

28jan04

WEATHER

Flurry of updates, then inactivity

Horoscopes, A3

Obituaries, Deep 6

 

Local Website Begins Sweeping Redesign
TORONTO (NP) - Reports from assorted sources indicate that the marentette.net webpage is undergoing a radical transformation - to a new format reflective of a bygone era of "paper" publishing. When asked for the reasons, website manager Nathan was heard to say "Bugger off." And it's not just the retro-pub styling that's making waves in the web community. The unprecedented use of black text on white background has stirred interest from designers the world over. "Black text? White background? Big fucking deal," a Danish designer offered. "Yeah, big fucking deal," he reiterated, when pressed for more detail. Sources tell marentette.net reporters that we can expect frequent updates, involving rehashed content, recycled crap, word-filler sentenecs, and Charles Dickens-like letter counts reaching into the stratosphere.

Area Man Overdoes Halloween Spirit

Innocent Pastry Dough Abused

GEORGE BROWN COLLEGE, ON (CP) - Long thought an innocent culinary education instution, your marentette.net reporters have learned of heinous crimes against puff-pastry dough being perpetrated by immoral students. Acts by these young heathens, obviously lacking respect for even the most basic baking creations, including folding, rolling, picking, stuffing, yes and even baking have been captured by our intrepid photographers and their all-seeing lenses ... (continued)

ASHLAND (PU) - A shocking display of red and purple highlighted an embarrassing lack of taste for area man Nathan Marionettey, 26 (IQ: 28), who opted to ignore his extreme white-ness and dress up for Halloween as a professional basketball player.

Throughout the evening, usually amidst a chorus of giggles, snickers, and pointed fingers, Marentette regularly demonstrated his complete lack of 'handles', ball awareness, and basic phsyiological coordination.

Repeated attemps to release the spherical, rubberized synthetic leather object from his hands in a non-awkward manner met with consistent failure and self-injury.

Marentette could not be reached in his hospital room for comment.

Idiotic Basketball Player

above: Marentette with the (presumably highly unfamiliar) basketball in his awkward hands

(click for more images)

 

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